Peter Rhodes on grandparenting, instant riches and Tarzan, the intervener

“I'm gonna help you, Grandad,” trills our grandson, aged four.. These are possibly the most chilling words a pre-schooler can utter, especially if the grandad in question is trying to fix, for the sake of argument, a garden sprinkler. Once drowned, twice shy. So we settle instead for arts, crafts and home-made games to make the long summer-holidays seem a little shorter.

First, a session of Bein' Rich People. This game involves cutting a gold ribbon from the Xmas wrappings into small squares which we stick on to our shoes with medical tape until our footwear is all a-glitter.

“And then what, small person?”

“Nuffink, Grandad,” he said, stalking the dining room in his gilded Crocs, like a French king in majesty. “We're just bein' rich people.”

Instant richness. I wish I'd thought of that.

One of the oldest political creeds is that Labour believes in tinkering with businesses while Conservatives prefer to let the free market rip. If you believe this, you probably see Labour's post-election intervention into roads, rail, planning and building as socialism gone mad.

Unless, that is, you happen to be old enough to remember Michael “Tarzan” Heseltine when he was president of the Board of Trade. He was pretty frank on state intervention, promising to "intervene before breakfast, before lunch, before tea and before dinner". And Tarzan was not only a Tory but a Tory's Tory.

I have fond memories of Hezza, thanks to a sparky interview with him just before Tony Blair's landslide in the 1997 General Election. I asked him whether, after 18 years of Tory rule, wasn't it simply Labour's turn to govern? “It's not a game of cricket, you know,” he snarled.

Ah but it is, and it was in '97 and on July 4 this year it was again. Bored crowd. Bad innings. All out. New balls.