Toby Neal: Advice on how to save money? It's a bit rich

Times are tough, and only going to get tougher. Fuel bills are soaring. Food prices are soaring. Household costs are soaring.

So, in an innovative link-up, I am delighted to be able to bring you advice from senior figures in HM Government on how to cope, with some top tips to help you navigate a way through the cost of living crisis.

Here we go...

GO ELECTRIC: Soon we at HM Government will force you to go electric anyway and turn your backs on obsolete fossil fuel guzzlers, so why wait?

Think of the money you'll save! And you'll be helping the environment to boot.

It makes economic sense to act now. An entry level little runabout in the region of £30,000 will get you to the shops – and back. However, if you think you might suffer from range anxiety step up into the £100,000 bracket and you can get something that will take you around 400 miles before you have to take that tea break at the battery charging point.

Or...

DITCH THE MOTOR: Save thousands by becoming a car-less family and travel everywhere using Britain's cheap and efficient public transport system.

DON'T TAKE FOREIGN HOLIDAYS: With the flight costs, the accommodation costs, and general expenses, it simply is not worth it, and you'll be much better off going to your second home in Cornwall.

INSTALL AN ECO-FRIENDLY HEAT PUMP: Bye-bye to that boiler – the future of heating is green. Embrace heat pump technology and for around £10,000 (if you're lucky) you could join this revolution and bask in temperatures well above freezing while helping the UK towards its net zero targets.

GET A NEW JOB: It's so simple that you may not have thought of it, but land yourself a lucrative directorship or consultancy and all your financial problems will be solved.

GROW YOUR OWN FOOD: As you look out over your well-manicured grounds, consider whether there is part of one's estate which could be turned over to food production.

Home grown produce is delicious and you'll be helping the environment again because there will be no food miles. Even better, if you have more than you need, you can sell your excess produce to your local starving villagers and make yourself a nice profit.

SAY NO TO FOOD WASTE: Up and down the country, councils are giving householders little bins to fill with their food waste. And you're not going to believe this, but some people actually fill them up and put them out for collection. Food waste is waste food – so if you've got edible food waste, ask yourself why. Eat your greens. They are good for you. If that doesn't work, get a dog.

LIVE IN ONE ROOM: Do you need to use every part of your house? Cover the furniture in all the redundant wings with dust sheets and live in, and heat, just one room. The drawing room is a good choice. You can put on a cardie if you have to visit your library or dining hall.

AVOID THE MORE EXPENSIVE BRANDS: It is only natural to want the best, but sacrifices are going to have to be made, so give Harrods a miss and shop around, and you'll be amazed at how much you can save. Fortnum & Mason are doing hampers at very reasonable prices.

INVEST IN SUCCESS: Just as there is no such thing as bad weather, only unsuitable clothing, there is no such thing as being poor – just unsuitable budgeting. So put some money aside to buy shares and grow your capital while at the same time supporting some great businesses. A big oil corporation might be a good punt at the moment.

CARPET DIEM: Every year thousands of households change their carpets due to uneven wear, incurring huge unnecessary costs. But a simple change to habits will save this expense. When entering a room, do not walk over the well-trafficked centre of the carpet. Stay instead close to the walls. And when going up the stairs, spare the centre of the treads and walk with a rolling gait with legs wide apart, while holding the banister firmly for health and safety reasons.

BE FIRM: Difficult times bring with them difficult decisions. You cannot continue to live in the style to which you are accustomed. So the footman has to go.

For more useless advice, listen out for further announcements from government ministers.