Peter Rhodes on lunar parking charges, deadly Dutchmen and some arresting police statistics.

Nicking by numbers. Police in England and Wales checked 1,837 people for allegedly failing to self-isolate, only to find nobody at home. In 785 of these cases, officers found nobody with the relevant name lived at the address "so no further enforcement action could be taken.” It sounds, heaven forbid, as though some people have given the police false names and addresses. I really must lie down.

More deeply-shocked hacks are to be found at the Guardian. Contemplating the lockdown riots in the Netherlands the paper asks: “What turned the mild-mannered Dutch to rioting and looting?” Mild mannered? The Dutch? Do not be fooled by their politeness, bland cheese and charming obsession with windmills. The Dutch are a martial race. They ran an empire, sent their warships up the River Medway to burn the Royal Navy and have produced some of the world's most feared football fans.

And while we don't like to mention this, the Dutch also invaded England in 1688, chucked out the British king and replaced him with a Dutch monarchy. In a masterclass of propaganda, this comprehensive clogging by the Dutch is referred to in Britain as “The Glorious Revolution.” The hooligans chucking petrol bombs at the cops in Eindhoven are the heirs to some very hard men.

To its credit, Facebook quickly apologised for removing posts that referred to “Plymouth Hoe” which it mistakenly assumed contained an offensive word . In inner-city slang, “hoe” (derived from “whore”) is a woman of low repute. In Plymouth, the Hoe is named from an Old English word meaning high ground. Good to get that sorted. Now, I have some hoeing to do in the garden.

No sooner had I suggested replacing juries with judge-only trials to reduce the backlog of court cases than the Labour Party proposes juries of seven rather than 12. The legal profession objects, which is understandable. It has had a wretched year with some barristers in dire financial straits. What you and I may see as a backlog to be tackled urgently, some legal firms will see as a couple of years of good, steady work to be cherished and preserved.

A new law in the United States protects Neil Armstrong's boot prints and other traces of the Apollo missions from future disturbance. Strange to think that Earthling law can extend 240,000 miles into space. But if there's money to be made from fines, how about someone setting up the Lunar Parking Authority? Since 1971 the Yanks have parked three lunar buggies on the moon without permission. Time to settle up.

Up to 100 people who took part in an illegal “libertine” orgy in a warehouse near Paris have been fined after a police raid. As the charges refer to spreading virus, the court also recommended attendees should be given “basic” sex education. Call me naïve but if your sex life involves meeting dozens of naked strangers in a Parisian warehouse, are you not past the basics?