Peter Rhodes on facemasks, penguins and the case for quarantine in Skegness

Number of travellers still arriving at Heathrow every day – about 10,000. Number of available hotel rooms near Heathrow for quarantine – about 10,000.

Why are so many people still flying? Who are these super-beings and where do they come from? A quick breakdown this week suggests many at Heathrow come from Africa, Russia and the States, although the most irritating ones are surely those “models” and “reality-TV stars” stuffing social media with their selfies, usually featuring bikinis in Dubai.

Only last week we saw Heathrow rammed with travellers queuing for border checks. There was no social distancing and while most were wearing face masks, I spotted two wearing them in Covidiot fashion, low-slung with both nostrils exposed. Heathrow should introduce a new aisle in addition to “UK citizens” and “Others”. Something on the lines of “No Brains Whatsoever.” They could be forced into quarantine in a B&B in Skegness and made to post selfies every day, wearing boiler suits.

This past year must be the longest period for the British public to be exposed to science on a daily basis. Suddenly, we all know about droplets, variants, R-numbers and percentages and some of us even know what two metres is. We have also discovered that our medical research centres are not only the best in the world but some of the most argumentative. You would think that science, based on facts and precise measurements, would produce agreement among all scientists. Not a hope. There is a snappy rivalry between Oxford University and Imperial College London which has been going on for 20 years. Elsewhere, there are super-egos who cannot see a rival academic's theory without instantly stamping on it. You think 12 weeks is a reasonable gap between jabs? Prepare to be trampled underfoot. If one good thing comes out of this pandemic it will be bright, sparky, competitive kids considering a career in life sciences. Dull, it ain't.

My apologies. Don't you just hate the phrase “if one good thing comes out of this pandemic . . .”?

NHS trusts in Scotland advise people to walk like penguins ("flat footed, taking short slow steps,”) to avoid falling over on icy pavements. There must be something in this. On all my trips to Scotland I have never seen a penguin fall over.

I am reminded of the second oddest job in my glittering career, namely herding penguins in the Falklands during an army exercise in 1988. The Press wanted a picture of a British infantry patrol passing a colony of little penguins. An islander instructed me in the art. The secret is to usher the penguins just enough to get them moving but not enough to panic them. The pair of us duly assembled a few dozen penguins. The little birds had no fear of us and behaved like true professionals as the cameras clicked. In fact, the penguins were easier to organise than the squaddies.

My oddest job of all? Interviewing the Muppets. Another time, maybe.