Peter Rhodes on bat-eared masks, the decline of gammon and the strange ending of the British Empire

I am grateful to a reader who, moved by my account of having a fall last week, has produced this Whitehall-style guidance: “Stay safe…stay alert...stay upright.”

A word about face masks. If you, like me, are of the bat-eared tendency, then avoid the masks that loop behind the ears, for they will only pull your lugs out even further. You may gain some protection from the virus but you will also resemble that grotesque chimera, the love-child of Martin Clunes and Dumbo.

You cannot win. Keep some of the kids off school and you're condemning them to a life of inequality and educational deprivation. Send all the kids back to school, and you're a child murderer.I bet many bright young things who fancied a career in politics, having seen the impossibility of doing the right thing, are having second thoughts.

Have you noticed how the word “gammon” has slipped out of use? It was popular last year when it was widely used by young pro-EU campaigners to describe the flushed, exasperated faces of fuming older Brexiteers. At the time, some of us pointed out that “gammon” was itself racist as it applied only to people with white complexions. Sure enough, in a time of increased sensitivity, it seems to have vanished from the debate.

Yes, let's have a re-examination of the British Empire. Let's ensure all schoolchildren learn the story of how a wet and windy island off the coast of Europe ended up administering, and effectively owning, a quarter of the planet. And let them be told the full story, red in tooth, claw and battledress. There are plenty of dark deeds and unpleasant, shameful memories of massacres, famines and unbridled, bloody conquest. Yet the Empire story is much more complicated than that.

For a start, it did not enrich most British people to a great extent. At the height of its power Britain had the biggest empire in history and the worst slums in Europe. But nor was British rule universally reviled. If it had been, how could The Empire possibly have morphed into the Commonwealth, that unique family of 54 friendly states? I cannot think of any other empire in recorded history which has expanded, fallen, broken up and then decided to meet again as equals to drink tea, play cricket and try to make a better world.

Intriguingly, the list of potential future members of the Commonwealth includes Palestine. Some Commonwealth members already recognise the state of Palestine and membership of the Commonwealth could help Palestine's bid for full membership of the United Nations. It would be ironic if peace and stability in the Middle East were brought about by the influence of the last relic of the British Empire. I can think of one allotment keeper in Islington who might be miffed.

I caught Mrs Rhodes dancing alone in the kitchen. Like thousands of other ladies during this lockdown, she is self-zumba-ing.