Peter Rhodes on unreal TV, viral profiteering and Australia going to war over loo rolls

In 2016 the then justice secretary Michael Gove was roundly condemned for declaring: “People in this country have had enough of experts”. He was referring to the endless avalanche of opinions on the subject of Brexit. I was reminded of his words as I switched news channels recently. One expert told one channel that he was more scared of coronavirus than those terrible killers, ebola and Sars. Meanwhile, another expert was telling another channel that the vast majority of coronavirus victims will have mild symptoms and make a full recovery. They cannot both be right and if the experts cannot agree, why do we pay so much attention to them?

Dawn French's latest show, The Trouble with Maggie Cole (ITV) is described as comedy-drama yet manages to be undramatic and not very funny. Worse, it treats its viewers like blithering idiots. Maggie (French) blabs to a local radio station about the infidelity, business malpractice and criminal associates of her neighbours in a little village and is mortified when it is broadcast. But in real life it would never be aired because even the dimmest radio hack would know it contained enough libels to get him sacked and bankrupt the station.

If your mental image of Australians in combat is handsome Mel Gibson and his fit, toned comrades racing to their deaths in Gallipoli, think again. In these coronavirus times, the latest image of Aussies at war is a group of fat, pushy blokes piling their supermarket trolleys with toilet rolls while in another store three Australian ladies come to blows over bog rolls. Ah, the selfless dignity of it all.

Oz seems to have gone toilet-tissue bonkers. According to one local report: “A truck carrying supplies of toilet paper caught fire on the Gateway Bridge, near Brisbane. About half the rolls were saved.” The heroism of the tissue savers is awesome. Will there be medals awarded? With not a shred of irony a fire officer told the news cameras: “The main thing is no one got hurt tonight and we’ve been able to save quite a lot of toilet paper.” How about a service of thanksgiving for those plucky little rolls that escaped to wipe another day?

Meanwhile, some so-called panic buying is no such thing. When somebody buys 100 rolls at a time, it's probably a business investment. Watch out for loo rolls at inflated prices appearing at car-boot sales as vendors practise the traditional wartime art of profiteering. Watch out, too, for the traditional punishment of profiteers which involves a small quantity of tar and a bag of feathers.

At the two local shops I use most, there is no shortage of anything, apart from antiseptic hand-gel which can seriously dry your hands. I fear that long after coronavirus has disappeared, the NHS will be busy treating an epidemic of cracked palms.