Pirates on the pier

I SUGGESTED a few days ago that a Manx kipper probably has no tail. A reader says this shortcoming is more than made up for by its third leg.

YOU know what this general election campaign is missing? A new social group or two. In previous elections, the parties have identified and fought for the support of Worcester Woman and Mondeo Man. This time, who will be banging on doors to secure the votes of Seaside Strugglers, Lesbian Vapers and the Tring Transgenders?

AS attention turns once again to North Korea, the secretive state keeps its ultimate secret very secret indeed. The regime has murdered hundreds of Kim Jong-Un's ministers, officials and even relations. Yet his hairdresser survives. Bizarre.

I AM reluctant to be too hard on Jeremy Corbyn, if only because we mutton-headed old mugwumps should stick together. But he does get an annoyingly easy ride on the issue of nuclear weapons. Time afte time, Corbyn is allowed to create the impression that the only possible use of a nuke is to destroy cities and slaughter millions of innocent men, women and children. But it is a leader's duty to consider all possibilities, not just the ones that suit his case. Supposing, for example, a foreign enemy, based in a remote and civilian-free desert, were building a nuclear rocket and vowed to destroy London on Christmas Day. Would Mr Corbyn end the threat by launching a single nuclear warhead? Or what if an enemy invasion fleet were on its way to occupy Britain? If it reaches our shores, we are doomed. Again, a single nuclear warhead would destroy the fleet far out to sea with no civilian casualties and no fallout. So would Corbyn press the button and save his nation? If not, why not?

NOT that Labour has cornered the market in low-credibility. Theresa May and her lieutenants cannot expect us to believe that pegging energy bills is a good idea when it's dreamed up by Tories after insisting it was a rubbish idea when it was dreamed up by Labour. In any case, given that my storage-heater bills have just soared by a scandalous 22 per cent, doesn't it look as though the energy firms are already taking steps to ensure they can cope very nicely with a price cap? The blighters are getting their retaliation in early, and no-one seems able to stop them.

IT was Woody Allen who famously observed: “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.” A report from Iraq this week illustrates perfectly the sheer unpredictable, unfair cussedness of life. Three Islamic State fighters had apparently had enough of fighting and decided to surrender. Naturally, they left their weapons behind as they marched toward the enemy lines. On the way, unarmed and unawares, they were attacked and gored to death by wild boars.

THE above item is, as far as we know, 100 per cent accurate. The following item, however, is not. It has been created by something called Southend News Network, a website which joyously peddles a string of fake news yarns about the Essex resort. Latest headlines include: “Seafront on lockdown after Somali Pirates take over Southend Pier.” Wonderful.