Social etiquette? You can kiss goodbye to knowing what’s right

Hello. Before we go any further, please may I ask you a few questions?

Are you male or female, transgender, transitioning, uncertain or of any other specific or non-specific gender?

I ask because, of course, I would not wish to offend you by getting it wrong.

Once we have established your sex, perhaps it is as well if we were at the same time to establish your sexuality.

Not that it makes any difference, of course. You are perfectly at liberty to choose any form of activity of that nature you prefer. Who am I to judge?

It might, though, affect how I greet you beyond my original 'hello'.

Should I shake your hand? Is that acceptable or do you recoil from any human touch at all? If I were to shake your hand, would that be OK or would you prefer a man-hug, always assuming you are either a man or someone who identifies as a member of the male gender whatever your birth certificate may say?

And if you are a woman, do I kiss you? If I have kissed you in the past, because we are acquaintances of long standing, did you find the experience tolerable?

If you did not, would you mind saying so now before I make the same mistake again, please?

If you thought it was a reasonable form of greeting, may I assume a repetition would not be unwelcome?

If so, would you prefer an air kiss, where there is actually no bodily contact at all, or a light kiss on the cheek? Should that be a single kiss on one cheek or a pair of kisses, one on each check?

If the latter, are you French? Even then, should we begin by moving left cheek to left cheek or right cheek to right?

This needs to be established well in advance to avoid the embarrassing clash of noses as we look at each other and realise we are at cross-purposes cheek-kissing-wise.

Assuming we can negotiate this potential minefield, am I allowed to clasp a shoulder, place a hand on your back, hold your hand, give you a hug or indulge in any other form of physical contact at the same time.

I pledge to avoid, if at all possible, the danger my hand might inadvertently touch your knee or any other potentially explosive part of your anatomy. Please accept that, at this stage in our relationship, any contact of that nature is entirely accidental and not intended as a form of harassment.

If, however, I were inadvertently to brush the back of my hand lightly across a sensitive area of your anatomy, please raise your complaint now, to my face. If necessary, please feel free to slap it firmly with the flat of your palm. I think a clenched fist is probably excessive though I am prepared to accept my punishment if you believe it to be deserved.

Good. Now we have established the preliminaries, may I ask whether it would be reasonable for me to comment on any aspect of your appearance?

If you have bought a new coat, for instance, am I allowed to say how nice it looks on you? If you have had a haircut, can I remark casually that I like your new look?

Or is it unacceptable in any circumstances for someone to offer a compliment because not only is it demeaning – suggesting, apart from anything else, that your last coat or hairstyle was less attractive - but positively patriarchal?

Of course, the purpose of our meeting may determine to some extent the way we interact. If we are working in an office, perhaps it is not appropriate for me to make any personal comments at all.

But if we happen to bump into each other – not physically, of course, because in that case I could quite reasonably be accused of imposing myself upon you – at a party, maybe a more friendly tone could be adopted on my part without recourse to lawyers. Or maybe not.

Much later on in our relationship, I might feel the need to make a joke or two. Sometimes these jokes may be potentially demeaning. How would you react?

If, for instance, your hands were cold and I suggested I could find somewhere warm for you to put them, would you be mildly amused and tell me to get lost?

If, in the words of Groucho Marx, I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Or would you remember it for years to come and, at the worst moment in my career, would you suddenly recall how horribly sexist I was and dob me in it to the boss?

I now realise that jokes are no joke to people who do not find them funny. Would it be better if I were to remain po-faced at all times and avoid any attempt at innuendo?

Or do you actually like a little ooh-err-missis titter-ye-not bar-room banter?

It would make life easier if we were able to establish this on first acquaintance so that I can ensure my behaviour does not stray over the invisible line between amusing and inappropriate.

Perhaps the simplest solution would be for you to complete this form before we go any further. As you can see, it includes most of the questions here and, once I have studied it properly, we will be in a position to develop our dialogue without too many mutual misunderstandings.

Naturally, if this social intercourse were to develop into something more significant then it would be necessary for me to submit a second form with more intimate questions.

That is for the future and I regret even mentioning it now.

I realise even raising the possibility of Form Two makes certain sexist assumptions which clearly amount to a gross invasion of your personal space thanks to my arrogant masculine assumptions.

Whoops. Sorry.

Goodbye.