Mark Andrews: Cons go to Iceland, mad Steve's Maga comeback, and what will our towns do with their £2 million windfall?

The jailbirds are going to Iceland, then. Personally, I'd rather send them to Siberia - or Gaza City, maybe - but I suppose that would only end up lining the pockets of the human rights lawyers. 

Still, I suppose the decision to open a branch of the discount supermarket chain at HMP Oakwood represents progress of sorts. Instead of waiting around for the drone to deliver his drugs, burglar Bob will now spend his days stuffing his face on multi-buy ready meals and frozen pizzas. Let's hope they're careful who they serve the cooking oil to.

It's not just Iceland, either. They've got a sweet shop, an electrical store, a cafe serving barista-made coffees, a greengrocer and a sports shop. Just throw in a sauna and a health spa and it'll be smashing the ratings on Tripadvisor.

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I do understand the argument about rehabilitating prisoners by preparing them for work, but wouldn't it be better for them to learn their skills helping others, rather than turning the prison into a mini-shopping mall? I can't help but think the prison service would do better focusing on the basics, like improving discipline and safety, rather than encouraging rampant consumerism on its wings. 

I suspect they might have their hands full preventing shoplifting. Prisons, they're full of criminals, you know. 

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Remember Steve Hilton, David Cameron's barking-mad adviser who used to wander around Downing Street with no shoes on, and turned up for important meetings in shorts clutching a bag full of oranges? It was his idea that the future prime minister should be seen driving a pack of huskies over a glacier in the Arctic Circle, and it seems reasonable to assume he had a big influence on Cameron's madcap decision to make supermarkets charge for carrier bags. 

Well the great news is, he's back. Having apparently found his shoes and trousers, he's reinvented himself in America, a rising star of Donald Trump's Maga movement, and running to be the next governor of California. What could possibly go wrong?

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Hilton typifies the myth of the 'eccentric genius', which assumes that if somebody is weird enough, their must be a great mind hidden inside.

This might be true in some instances. But equally, there is no shortage of people who are just nuts.

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A new study criticises Birmingham's record on recycling, with just 38 per cent of waste being reused, and more than three quarters going to the incinerator. 

Aside from the fact the figures don't add up, have they been watching the news lately? I think they may need to update their methodology. And include a category for 'percentage of waste left to fester in the street for weeks on end, until it is eaten by giant mutant rats'.

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In an apparent effort to make the previous government's indecipherable regime of 'levelling-up' funding even harder to understand, the new administration has announced that money allocated through the Long-Term Plan for Towns will be administered by 'town boards' made up of the great and the good from their respective communities.

The beneficiaries will receive £2 million a year on regenerating their areas over a 10-year period. Not a great amount, but enough to offer free parking, which you would think might be the obvious way of rejuvenating our ailing high streets.

I bet they'll spend it on block paving.