Rhodes on flammable foodstuffs, missing goods and what have the Romans done for us?

Scariest advice of the festive season so far: “Warning: overheating may cause fruit and sugar to ignite.” Microwave instructions on a Waitrose gluten-free Christmas pudding. Ye gods, is nothing safe?

The discovery of an apparently-crucified skeleton near the Cambridgeshire village of Fenstanton is a seasonal reminder of how Roman occupation worked. While capital punishment was generally inflicted by decapitation or burning, the Romans reserved the grisliest method of all for anyone (Jesus, Spartacus, etc) deemed to be threatening the state.

How is it that the Romans, whose empire was based on such sickening brutality, are always associated with civilisation? Probably because history is written by the winners. Having witnessed this poor devil being nailed up in Cambridgeshire, the local Romans may well have enjoyed a relaxing dip in the hot baths and written a letter to the folks back home, complaining about the frightful barbarity of these dreadful Britons. The Britons, having no paper, pencils or education, wrote nothing to anyone and so all we have is the Roman version.

In fact, the only way to guarantee that future folk hear your side of history is to become a historian yourself. As Winston Churchill put it (his exact words are disputed): “History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it." He was true to his vow, writing dozens of books, mostly history, encompassing an estimated eight to 10 millions words, and winning the Nobel Prize for Literature. Win a war in the morning, write a book after lunch.

To lose one 50 gallon oil drum may be regarded as a misfortune. To lose two 50 gallon oil drums looks like carelessness. The saga of my undelivered barrel continues.

Having accepted that the courier has managed to lose one of these mighty vessels (converted into a garden incinerator), the supplier sent me another which has also vanished into the ether. I note that the courier's website has the obligatory section on modern slavery. It strikes me as odd that a delivery company can have a fully-formed policy to deal with abduction, forced prostitution and people trafficking yet can't get an oil drum from one town to another.

The inflammable Xmas pudding? Clad in fire blankets and welders' hoods, we enjoyed it enormously.