Mark Andrews: Time travel, scam callers, and why our Daleks are just too scary

A scruffy American called Alexander Smith claims that, while on secret work for the CIA, he travelled into the future and experienced life in 2118.

To prove he is not just some loony conspiracy theorist, he has produced a grainy photograph of some green sky-scrapers, showing what the future has in store. Not exactly Buck Rogers, is he?

Mr Smith claims to have done his time-travelling in 1981. Which is strange, given that would have been when the BBC was looking for a new Doctor Who to replace Tom Baker. Surely even a mad American would have been better than Peter Davison?

Mr Smith says we will soon get a visit from aliens, adding there has already been contact with extra-terrestrials that has been hushed up by the authorities.

“These aliens don’t necessarily live among us but they do visit from time to time," he says.

I'm not surprised they don't want to hang around. What will happen is that the little green men will land their flying saucer on the M25, find their way blocked by half-a-dozen crusties ranting about loft insulation, and after getting issued with a parking ticket, they will decide this planet is just too weird.

They will then go back home and tell Mrs ET to steer clear.

"Their Daleks are much scarier than ours. They keep shouting 'Insulate! Insulate!'"

Scam caller: "We are calling today about your computer."

Me: "What computer?"

Caller: "Your Windows something or other, which has been hacked".

Me: "I haven't got a computer in my windows."

Caller, getting irate: "I am calling from the manufacturer of your computer. Your Windows device has been hacked by somebody performing illegal activity. Do you understand what I mean by illegal activity?"

Me: "Not really. My windows are made of glass."

There is something rather joyous about irritating nuisance callers so much that they hang up on you, rather than the other way round.

A friend tells me that when he gets the old "we are calling about your accident" routine, he asks which accident they are referring to, before reeling off an endless list of increasingly fanciful mishaps.

When somebody calls purporting to be from Amazon, saying that £500 has gone out of my account to pay for a new smartphone, I feign unbridled excitement, asking for more details about the device, what features it has, and whether it can block unwanted callers.

Or if they ask about the tablet I have ordered, I will tell them about my medications, going into great detail about my ailments, and ask about the tablet's side effects.

Any other suggestions gratefully received.