Mark Andrews on Saturday: Messi business, a dim robber, and the mystery about Nessie

In a performance that wouldn't look out of place on X Factor, Lionel Messi burst into tears as he revealed he would be leaving Barcelona after 20 years.

Forgive me for not sharing his heartbreak. Messi left because the Catalan giants couldn't afford to continue paying him £2.3 million a week. His new salary at Paris St Germain is just a quarter of that. No wonder he's crying.

Now Messi has a talent which brings a lot of enjoyment to many people. If PSG think he's worth £570,000 a week in the twilight of his career, then good luck to him. It's not my money.

But please, spare us the tears, Lionel. If Barcelona meant that much, you could have taken a pay cut.

Robber Alan Slattery tried to raid a building society in Eastbourne by handing a threatening note to the cashier. Unfortunately his handwriting and grammar were so poor nobody could understand what he meant, so he gave up and walked out.

Eight days later, the 67-year-old tried his luck at another branch. This time staff did understand his demands and handed over £2,400 before he did a runner. On the bus, using a senior citizen's pass registered in his name.

He's just got six years, which seems a bit soft to me. I hope he makes use of the prison education service.

We all know you can't do anything these days without somebody putting it on social media. Footballer drunk on holiday, politician making off-colour joke, dishevelled film star shopping with a hangover.

Despite all that, a new survey finds one in seven still believe in the Loch Ness monster, based on all the reported sightings. Isn't it strange no-one ever takes a picture?

Radio presenter turned cycling troll Jeremy Vine poured a few gallons of four-star on the culture war on our roads by encouraging fellow fans of 19th century transport to ride four abreast. It's 'more sociable' and 'calms the traffic behind them', he says.

Of course in the social-media age those who shout loudest get the most attention. And this antagonistic attitude is just as annoying to the vast majority of considerate, responsible cyclists as it is to the rest of us.

But two things. Riding a potentially lethal machine on a public highway is not the time to be sociable. Like motorists, cyclists should concentrate on the road ahead and the safety of those around them.

As for 'calming the traffic', see how calm the drivers of the vehicles behind are. Who might actually need to be somewhere for work, while you are 'being sociable' at 5mph.