Mark Andrews on Saturday: Don't talk wet, Harry

Funny lot, the Americans. Not only did they decide to quit the British Empire because they thought tea was a bit too pricey, they also decided that out of a population of 328 million, that the two strongest candidates to lead them were Joe Biden and Donald Trump. Having almost gone for Hillary Clinton just four years before.

Anyhow, in Portland, Oregon, a shoplifter took his art to a new level by walking out of a pet shop with a 24in python stuffed down his trousers.

I wonder what the police would say when doing a stop-and-search.

"Is that a 2ft python down your trousers, or are you just pleased to see us?"

Or maybe, to misquote Det Insp Jack Regan, "Get your trousers off, you're nicked."

The pet shop owner said the thief was lucky he didn't try stealing the snake on a Monday.

"Feeding days are on Mondays. And they're very hungry," she said.

In which case, I guess the police would have said: "We're the Sweeney, son, and that python hasn't had any dinner."

So much for all the politicians all getting their knickers in a twist about 'hungry schoolchildren' during half-term.

It now emerges that when one school in Sandwell started offering free meals to kids while they were at home, not one of their parents bothered to turn up to collect them. Staff at the school, where 50 per cent of youngsters are on free school meals, spent mornings ringing round supposedly deprived families, pleading with the to collect their free grub.

What a terrible waste of money, and for the more environmentally aware, what a terrible waste of food.

Back in October this column questioned whether hungry children really were as commonplace as we were being led to believe, and suggested that instead of spraying money around on free meals, it would be better to identify those in genuine need and tackle the underlying problems.

The Sandwell experience appears to confirm that to be the case.

Is this the week when Prince Harry finally lost the plot? We all know he's been acting a bit weird since he married that American actress, her name escapes me, but I do remember her saying she wanted less media attention.

But this week Harry seems to have gone the full Gwyneth Paltrow. In a promotion for some television project or other, he told us to imagine ourselves as raindrops.

Given that a raindrop is a snowflake that has been sitting out in the sun for too long, it is understandable why Harry might see himself that way. But best not to tell other people, Hazza. They might think you're a bit of a drip.

Feeling a little bored during lockdown, Khandu Patel decided to investigate the manhole in the garden of the Wolverhampton semi where he has lived for 40 years.

After a bit of digging around, he discovered an underground air-raid shelter, which he is now converting into a private bar.

Good for him. If I were you Khandu, I would stock up on the beers and stay in the bunker until normality returns.