Andy Richardson: 'Millions start to rely on Great British Nonsense – sorry, Great British Common Sense'
Who let the dogs out?
That’s the question being asked by users of Singapore parks who find their morning work interrupted by a curious canine called Lima 002. The robot dog is patrolling parks to enforce social distancing. Thankfully, its bark is far worse than its bite. Lima 002 is equipped with a loud speaker that broadcasts social distancing messages, as well as a camera to monitor areas where people are getting too close.
They ought to send it to the UK, where many parks are fuller than they were before Covid-19 hit. Lima’s a pretty good copy of man’s best friend; though thankfully it doesn’t cock a leg and there’s no need to follow it with a poop scoop.
Singapore basks in delightful temperatures of 33C, just a few degrees warmer than the Caribbean island of Sint Maarten. That tropical island is anything but idyllic, however. An estimated 500 sailors are stranded with less than a month to go before hurricane season hits. They face a perilous journey across the Atlantic if their boats aren’t to be smashed to pieces. Journeys that ought to have been the trip of a lifetime have become a race for survival.
Back home, celebs who lost relevance decades ago are enjoying a renaissance. The Fizz – once, Buck’s Fizz – have taken to the airwaves with a socially-distanced version of their 1981 Eurovision hit, Making Your Mind Up. Ironically, it helped to make the mind up of viewers, who concluded it was the worst musical offering of lockdown. The Fizz last graced the charts in 2017 when The F-Z of Pop went in with a bullet at number 25. Chart compilers can rest easy that they’re unlikely to be troubled soon.
Mind you, The Fizz scrub up well considering hairdressers and barbers have been closed for two months. With no sign of a two-back-and-sides until July at the earliest, barbers have taken to offering illicit haircuts for three times the price. A few have endured a close shave of their own – police have been posing as customers and issuing fines.
As millions start to rely on Great British Nonsense – sorry, Great British Common Sense – to see themselves through the pandemic, questions still rage like this: Is it safer to meet a parent in the park or in their back garden? It all depends whether Lima 002 is lurking.
