Peter Rhodes on hokum, horror and how to experience a Gallic shrug

If one of Britain's most famous art galleries needed a £700 million rebuild and the Government said it would be completed in six years at no cost to the taxpayer, we'd sneer in disbelief. Yet that is what France's President Macron has pledged at the Louvre. And why doubt him?

France is the country that not only rebuilt Notre Dame in five years but, in the process, turned it into “a monument of biodiversity” with nesting places for birds. If they can crack on with popular projects while keeping the wildlife lobby sweet, why can't we?

Meanwhile, still in Paris, there's an announcement that Brits (and other non-EU citizens) will be charged a higher entrance fee to see the Mona Lisa in the Louvre. Complain to the Parisian staff and you'll get a two-for-one deal. That's Mona's enigmatic smile, plus a genuine Gallic shrug.

The Daily Telegraph reports that something is rotten in the energy-performance certificate (EPC) business, with inspections carried out by poorly-trained or inconsistent staff. No surprises there. I once needed an EPC (long ago and far away, of course). The inspector turned up, spent less than 20 minutes in the property and, despite my offer of a stepladder, didn't even look in the attic.

Still, even that was an improvement on a friend's experience when he was selling his house. Someone duly arrived but sat in his car with a clipboard. My friend invited him in and the response was: “No, thanks, I'm just checking there's a house here.”

So did the screaming nun make you jump? Me too. Until that moment at the end of the programme, Uncanny (BBC2) had been inducing the occasional and manageable shivers and hair-prickling. But that was clearly not enough for Danny Robins and the Uncanny team. They dipped into the Hammer House of Horror dressing-up box and, next thing you know, a crazed Sister of Mercy is hurling herself straight at the camera. Horlicks everywhere.

The nun stunt raises some questions: Is Uncanny a serious investigation of the paranormal, or is it simply entertainment? If we suspect the screaming shock-nun is pure hokum, why should we believe anything else in the show? And why am I writing this from behind the sofa?