Doreen Tipton: Hands up, who’s in control?

Trouble is, it’s hard being lazy when there’s so much going on. And, despite how they look, it takes time to bash out these things, especially for someone who only has a GCSE in Truancy. It’s been a busy week for me. I’m now more than halfway through my final tour, and about to launch my own online ‘Pirate Radio’ show on radiodoreen.com and, of course, preparing for the start of the panto rehearsals with the press launch, so I’ve been dashing around like a fly with a cobalt-coloured rear.

But it was all worth it. Because I finally got to meet Sooty.

Sooty, believe it or not, is now 70 years old. But he looks fabulous, albeit a bit jaundiced. No sign of Botox, no grey fur, and no sign of stress. What’s more, this incredible bear has managed to maintain a dignified silence for seven decades, despite having to go practically all through his working life with a man’s hand up his bottom. But not a word of complaint. In fact, he seems to thrive on it. That takes a special kind of dedication. Judge Kavanaugh would have been proud.

Meeting Sooty was such an inspiration, it got me thinking about other famous puppets – such as Miss Piggy, Nick Clegg, Gina Miller, and possibly even our own Theresa May – all of whom to one extent or another seem to have had someone else’s hand up their bottom lately and working their mouths. The puppet masters range from men in grey suits, to billionaires, to bureaucrats – sometimes all three. But they all have one thing in common – they like to control others. They generally hate people being independent, free-thinking, and cavalier. No loose cannon wanted on their ship. Problem is, I have a bit of a stubborn streak in me, and the more folk want me to conform, the more I’m determined not to. Just because.

As I write this (without payment, incidentally, for those of you who fretted incessantly about that kind of thing) I’ve just learnt that Nick Clegg has at long last got a job. His mother must be thrilled, as finally Nick can now give her a bit of housekeeping money, and start paying back some of his student loan.

The job in question is with Facebook. Not, as you’d expect for someone of Nick’s experience, as the office junior. But as Vice-President of Global Affairs and Communications. Very nice. Presumably Facebook wanted somebody with an incredible track record in business, someone who could build a successful brand such as the Lib-Dems, someone who the public trusted never to go back on his word, someone who had really earned their knighthood – but then they dramatically changed their minds and hired Nick Clegg instead. Nothing to do with his political opinions, I’m guessing. Because Facebook doesn’t get involved in politics, does it? I don’t know. Let’s ask another famous puppet, Pinocchio, and keep an eye on his nose.

Personally, I think Facebook missed a trick. They should have hired Sooty. He has far more integrity, and gets on better with the younger generation. And Sooty somehow manages to speak more sense than a lot of politicians (he manages this by not speaking at all). Sooty, as it happens, didn’t have a student loan. He sensibly opted not to do a media studies course at uni so he could pursue his dream job at the checkout in Tesco. Instead he served an apprenticeship – a more ‘hands-on’ kind of training.

And he’s done pretty well for himself. Most kids these days of course aren’t so lucky. They’re being fed into a system that guarantees many of them will be in debt for the rest of their lives. But that, of course, is the way the establishment likes it. It’s the perfect control mechanism for the unruly masses. Keep them permanently in debt to the Government and the banks. Make them work a lot, and rent everything, but own nothing. Know your place.

And have you noticed? The people who work the hardest tend to be most tired, and have less time and energy to waste, and therefore go on fewer daily protest marches screaming their entitlement, and generally don’t make as much noise. The silent majority.

Yes, my admiration for Sooty knows no bounds. And his human friend Richard is a lovely bloke, so the little yellow chap is in good hands. But if I ever came across some of these self-righteous political puppet masters in the flesh, I’d be very tempted to stick something up their bottoms, and it wouldn’t be my hand.

Anyway, thanks for reading the columns these past few months. Hope you’ll join me on radiodoreen.com sometime soon. I’ll miss you – well, some of you. Tarra a bit x