Andy Richardson: Knock, knock! We’ve got a trick for you

The notion that children dressed in flammable costumes from the pound shop are really upholding some noble tradition – like, you know, Morris Dancers, pork scratching fryers from Dudley or weird men who dress as Santa and pat kids on the knee at Christmas – is hokum. They’re not. They’re just being lazy, ne’r do wells who don’t want to work and find it easier and more profitable to beg than work. We have a civic duty – hell yeah, let me hear you say ‘civic duuuuuty’ – to tell them where to go. Providing we do it nicely and don’t hurt anyone.

Besides, as everybody knows, the tradition for trick or treating started in America – quelle surprise – not Britain. Natives took inspiration from Irish immigrants flooding into America after fleeing the potato famine in 1846. They followed English and Irish traditions by dressing up in costumes and going house to house asking for food or money.

However, as we also know, potatoes are no longer short in supply – farms in Bridgnorth sell 25kg for a fiver, if you’re needing a cheap and tasty fix of starch – and so there’s no need to go door-to-door asking for money or food . . . unless you’re a scrounger who wants to dress up in a flammable Halloween costume rather than getting a paper round. Bah.

Happily, there are gazillions of websites advising what to do when the dreaded 6.42pm knock at the door comes and you’re confronted by a gaggle of witch mask-wearing teens.

These are some of the best:

1 Ignore it. Don’t worry. You’re not being excruciatingly rude or kill joy-ish. Pretending you’re not in – turning off the TV, switching off the lights, turning down the stereo – is the only rational response when you’re confronted in the comfort of your own home by people who want money and sweets without doing anything to earn them.

2This requires a little planning but it’s a go-to if you happen to be hosting a Halloween party. When the knock comes, spring a Flash Mob on the little critters. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room and when the knock comes, descend en mass and start dancing.

3Go left field. When the knock comes, invite them in and tell them your washing machine is broken. Insist that it makes an unnatural ‘whirring’ sound and ask if they know how to fix it.

4Hand them a bar of chocolate from your left hand – then a bill for the chocolate with the right. “You only get the chocolate if you pay the bill,” is the line to remember. If they challenge you, tell them you’re giving them lessons in the ways of the world and hit them with a further bill for private tuition.

5 This is the weirdest one we could find, but I’m guessing it would work. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don’t move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.

6 Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do 10 push-ups before you give them any chocolate.

7 Again. Top prizes for weird. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their chocolate. Also ask if they’d like to see the wine list.

8This one rocks. Answer the door with a mouthful of Maltesers and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised then close the door, as though you’ve just been caught stealing chocolate. Open it again in a few seconds and insist that you don’t have any chocolate while allowing mouthfuls to fall to the floor.

9Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.

10And finally, in with a bullet at number 10 – beat them at their own game. Order your own pound shop fancy dress outfit before yelling and cursing from the moment you open the door. Slam the door when you’re finished.

The disclaimer, should anyone think we’re remotely serious, follows at the end.

So there we have it. Ditch the pumpkins, don’t do the Asda run to stock up on fun size choccies, keep your 20p pieces in the piggy bank and call your friends to prepare the Flash Mob. Most of all, stay safe. Don’t get run over, don’t set yourself – or anybody else – on fire and remember to hand any visiting trick or treaters a nice Bridgnorth potato along with a lecture about the origins of trick or treating.

l Halloween editor: “As the BBC once told complainants about a skit on Mock the Week, this week’s Man Column quite obviously contains irreverent humour and a number of recommendations are obviously tongue-in-cheek.”