How yoga is helping Sutton Coldfield widow find strength in grieving process

For Orla Blackburn, the death of her beloved husband Andy, at just 47, in 2018, was devastating.

Life changed overnight.

‘Kind-hearted soul’ Andy was, after all, a wonderful father to Orann – aged four at the time – and a rock for Orla.

Andy was diagnosed with aggressive lung cancer at the end of the August. It had very quickly spread to other parts of his body. He tragically died 11 weeks later, in John Taylor Hospice.

“Andy was a beautiful soul, he had the kindest, most beautiful personality,” recalls Orla, who lives in Sutton Coldfield.

“He had a quirky, unique way at viewing the world and his sense of humour kept me, and anyone who was lucky to experience it, laughing throughout our 24 years together.

"He was that rare type of person who never said anything bad about anyone, even when he had cause to - it simply wasn’t his nature.

“He was an amazing daddy, always down on the floor and playing games with Orann, whilst I got on with the practical mummy stuff.”

Understandably, Andy’s premature death rocked Orla, who was unsure where to turn or what to do.

“When Andy died I found myself so very lost, traumatised and distressed,” she recalls.

“There were so many emotions that run alongside being heartbroken.To lose your partner or spouse is life-changing and difficult to fully understand if you have not had that experience yourself.

“Suddenly, Andy was gone. Orann had just started in reception at school so I didn’t really know anybody there. It was a really, really hard time.

“There are so many losses that happen all at once.

"Not only have you lost that person who has been by your side for years but the one who you’ve weathered the ups and downs of life with, who you make decisions with, and who has supported you when you are at your worst and cheered you on when you are doing well. Everything just vanishes.

“What you thought your future would be and the person who could validate your history and your memories – it’s all gone. It is hard to express the many, many losses you experience all at once with that person no longer here.”

With a pandemic emerging, life was hard enough anyway. For anyone bereaved, the pain was multiplied.

“I had to walk away from my job as a graphic designer as they were unable to support me as a solo parent and I knew the stress involved in that position would be detrimental to my health,” she recalls.

It was at this point that two chinks of light in a dark tunnel entered Orla’s life: a charity called Widowed and Young (WAY) – and yoga.

“I had a gym membership and people told me I should use it to get some structure into my day,” she remembers.

“A lot of the day sessions at the gym were yoga classes so I started attending one, then another and another.

"Doing these classes helped me to release some of the emotions that were locked up inside me, to realise that my body needed to be taken care of and treated well, it helped to build confidence in what I could do and achieve.

“I found yoga so helpful and so rewarding that, with some encouragement from a supportive friend, I found the courage to apply for a yoga teacher training course. This started just as the first lockdown did.

“It was initially quite stressful doing it all online when I had my son to take care of and home-schooling, but I got through it.

"It took eight months to complete the course and I doubted myself a lot throughout, but I did it. It was such an achievement for me.

“I discovered Widowed and Young (WAY) a few months before starting the yoga teacher training course. I had struggled with all that was going on in my head and that feeling of being very much alone, until I joined this incredibly supportive group. I’d strongly recommend WAY to anyone in need. It was incredibly helpful being around people who were in the same situation.

“You immediately have a network of several thousands of people who are all in the same situation. The chatting and activities on the members only Facebook group is always very active. There are always others there to support you who simply get it.”

Having received their support. Orla decided to give something back.

“At the start of 2021 I started teaching gentle healing yoga classes to the widows and widowers in WAY, every Saturday morning.

"I hoped yoga might help others with their grief the way it helped me. This group has been going for over a year now and it is such a rewarding class to guide.

“I’ve since started teaching classes to the Sutton Coldfield community on a Monday morning. We are building a lovely community and I my wish is to keep that growing.”

While Orla and Orann grieve for Andy – “It’s still hard to believe he’s not here,” says Orla – yoga has, at least given her a focus and a purpose.

“Yoga is healing and therapeutic. It’s about what your body will allow you to do and this can be improved on slowly over time,” she says.

“Once you discover the benefits of yoga fully, there’s no looking back. It helps to slow down your thoughts and mind and to appreciate the here and now as well as improving your ability to move your body the way it was built to move. It’s made such a difference to my life.” and that’s what I am trying to do for other people now.”

“In my previous job, I worked very long hours, and put everything into that career but losing Andy made me take a good look at how I was living my life and I realised that what I was doing wasn’t making me happy.

"Yoga means I am of service to others in a way that will benefits your health both physically and mentally.”

Now Orla is hoping to use yoga to help others in her position.

“I mentor widows and widowers who need to find their way again, to find their way forward – to be able to live with joy and purpose and not stay stuck in grief,” she says.

“To lose your life partner who has always been by your side is shocking and it takes a lot of work to come to move forward with your own new, unwanted life.

“Counselling and support groups are your first port of call when finding a way to cope with grief. There may come a stage when you feel stuck and don’t know how to move forward but really want to embrace the life you have and this is the point at which I hope to help.

“Working through my own grief is an ongoing process. The pain of Andy not being here will never go away. That is something I will carry always in my heart and of course I have ups and downs with my grief, things can get messy.

"But I have also found how to live with joy again, and it is an ongoing process but tentatively going to those yoga classes when I was deep in pain opened up possibilities and my way forward.”

To find out more or to book Orla’s yoga classes at Emmanuel Church Hall in Wylde Green, Sutton Coldfield, Birmingham, go to https://bookwhen.com/oyogaxo or email orla@oyogaxo.com

Orla also has a private Facebook group for anyone who has been widowed – men or women – and who wants to find their way forward. For more information search for beyondbereavementintobravery

WAY Widowed and Young is celebrating 25 years of support for young widowed people. across England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland.

The first ever WAY event was held on February 26, 1997 in Cardiff and. today, WAY has more than 4,300 members across the UK – all of whom have lost their partner before their 51st birthday.

Drawing on a network of volunteers who have all been widowed themselves, the charity provides peer-to-peer support to young widowed people across the country – inclusive of sexual orientation, gender, race and religion – as they adjust to life after the death of their partner.

In normal times, WAY volunteers organise lively social gatherings throughout the year – offering an alternative social life for people who have lost their partner at a young age. During the pandemic, WAY meet ups went online – including weekly pub quizzes and bingo sessions, as well as local meet ups via virtual platforms such as Zoom. WAY members also have access to closed Facebook groups, as well as a 24/7 telephone helpline.See widowedandyoung.org.uk for details.