Dan Morris: Up the creek, but with a paddle

I’m a huge fan of the former Top Gear and Grand Tour host’s agricultural shenanigans (it’s amazing what ex-Express & Star and Shropshire Star journalists can do), and firmly believe that his contribution to raising awareness of the plight of farmers has been vital. 

On the lighter side, the Diddly Squat team have provided us with some of the most hilarious and endearing telly of the last few years, and I believe the coming season is set to focus on Clarkson’s diversification into the world of running a pub. I’m excited like a kid at Christmas, and you can check out our star-spangled TV Guide for the inside track from the man himself.

Though not pulling pints, Pope Leo has been focusing on equally admirable pursuits such as calling for the release of imprisoned journalists and protecting “the precious gift of free speech and the press”. Good man, and ‘nuff said. The work we do is vital, and if the closest chap to God on the planet can back it up, everyone should. Endorsements certainly don’t really come much bigger.

Anyway, with my soul seemingly set to be well looked after for the foreseeable, this week I have been running with this and trying to boost my wellbeing even further.

With glorious weather yet again poking through, this has meant getting on a paddleboard. This lovely and leisurely watersport seemed to come out of the ether only a few years ago and has taken off in quite spectacular fashion.

There are numerous sites across our region that offer it as an activity, and this Wednesday I paid one of them a visit. The experience was, largely, sublime.

I’ve been a big fan of kayaking for some time now, yet had actually never tried a paddleboard before. For the uninitiated, paddleboarding is (to me, anyway) something of a cross between surfing and raft-rowing - the idea being that you stand up on your board using a long oar to steer and propel yourself. Unlike a lot of watersports, it’s a calm endeavour that is meant to be enjoyed at a slow, relaxing pace that allows you to take in the beauty of your surroundings and feel a blissful and lazy state of zen.

This objective was quickly achieved, and as I slowly floated in the middle of my chosen lake with not another soul in sight, I can’t quite remember when I last felt so calm. This, however, only lasted for a while.

As most paddleboarders will know, the general idea is that you start on your knees until you have the confidence to test your balance while standing. I’m not the most patient bloke on the planet - it has to be said - and so after only 20 minutes or so of steady nirvana, I elected to rip myself from my meditation with gusto.

As I leapt up onto my board with ruthless ‘he-who-dares-wins’ abandon, the result was pretty darn predictable. Within a heartbeat, the calm surface of the water was shattered by a plummeting, pasty-skinned oaf who was only grateful that no one else was around to witness his monstrously cocky faux-pas. A lighter touch was clearly needed.

Trying to apply the very minimal powers of logic I possess, I then attempted to think more about the specific placement of my feet, and rose up onto my paddleboard with a little more caution. 

The result was better, and in retaining my standing stance for a whole two seconds, I proudly looked to the sky, stared God in the face, and celebrated with a mighty call of Clarkson’s patented ‘I’ve done a thing!’. This was followed another two seconds later by his equally trademarked ‘oh no!’ as I once again decked it with aplomb.

Laughing to myself - and at this point in need of a bit of a breather - I headed to the shore to re-compose ahead of a third attempt.

At this point, however, the pros arrived. Now unable to shield myself from embarrassment, I proceeded more daintily in my endeavours as a seasoned couple took to the lake. Here was an opportunity to watch a pair of masters at work, and perhaps a quick study of their form could show me where I was going wrong.

Like a duo of principal ballerinas, they made it look effortless; gracefully rising on their paddleboards, and tootling along so serenely that a family of ducks flocked happily into the perfection of their wake.

My observation of Dr and Mrs Dolittle revealed no obvious error I was making, and it quickly became clear that paddleboarding was one of those Carnegie Hall-type of pursuits: practice was the only way to get there.

Resolved that I would be nothing less than a Jedi of this art given time, I spent most of my remaining session time shelving my pride and giving the aforementioned couple more than a good giggle with a succession of increasingly clumsy attempts to become the King of the Water.

Having eventually achieved the monumental milestone of five whole seconds standing, I then quit while I was not so far behind, and returned to a kneeling position from which my previous state of inner peace could resume.

Paddleboarding may have dented my ego a bit, but it was good for my heart - and, like Arnie himself, I will be back.

In the meantime, as His Holiness Pope Leo’s good work continues, perhaps he could have a word with the chap upstairs on my behalf. If, after all, he can make a man walk on water, helping me to simply stand on it should be child’s play. Over to you, Big Man…